“Paradox Heart” is my description of the environment where the seeds of my songwriting journey took root, which is why it is the first song I shared publicly. Writing this song turned memories into monuments for me. The song was trapped beneath the surface in me for a long time. I knew I had to write it because it is as much about me making sense of my time here in China as it is about my reconciliation with “China.”
In terms of sound quality, it is the worst recorded, worst mixed of all of the songs! It doesn’t even snap to the drumbeat at parts! But, I decided to leave it that way on purpose because I feel like it will draw the listener into an experience like so many of the experiences I’ve had here where I’ve stepped into a situation, whether it's listening to a live band, trying a new product being promoted on the street, looking at the advertising in my elevator, or even ordering coffee or dessert and I’ve had such high expectations only to hear myself thinking moments later, “gosh, ya know, there’s something slightly off about this.” So, it fits. I also realized at the start of this project that I was jumping into it with a perfectionist mentality, which is funny given the fact that I know that I know very little about recording and mixing audio, I use subpar equipment, I have limited time, and shabby recording conditions. I also had never played piano to a click track before. Woops. Well, clearly I let go of being a perfectionist. After the surrender, I decided to aim for completion, not perfection. I know if I remain a perfectionist, I’ll end up with zero songs shared with the public at the end of 2016. But, if my aim is just simply completion, I’ll have at least 12 songs shared with people by the end of the year. That’s a number I’ll be much happier with. So what if critics invent a new genre of music in my honor and call it, “poverty-pop.”
A proverbial love-hate relationship:
It may be hard to imagine that a word like, “paradox,” would be able to offer a person so much comfort. But after living in China for seven years, for me, it does. Oddly enough, it is a word I cling to now for any sense of coherence to my story because paradox is a word that embraces the grey areas of life—a state of limbo, stalemate, and indecision. It doesn’t describe a situation void of absolutes, but rather two absolutes that both seem true yet self-contradicting at the same time. It should be logically unacceptable and yet to just accept it, puts the mind at ease because you discover that to try and summarize your thoughts from only one side is incomplete and totally inadequate. And that’s when two contradicting thoughts somehow, ironically, complement one another because you need to grasp both sides in order to understand the full picture.
Living as an expat in China for seven years gave new meaning to the phrase, “daily grind,” because that’s really what it was for me—like a daily scrape of sand paper to my heart, mind, and soul. Daily, I faced loss, personal inadequacies, language barriers, cultural walls, deteriorating facilities, and dangerous environmental conditions that compromised good heath. Daily, I was denied access. Daily, I was just out of reach from friends and loved ones. Daily, my world back home moved on without me. Daily, I lacked rhythm. Daily, I couldn’t go deeper with someone because I didn’t have the words. Daily, I was irritated somehow. But, if I stopped there, you’d have a one-sided coin which is a useless piece of currency.
Daily, I also collected beautiful and rare, invisible artifacts that are forever-treasures to me. Daily, I learned new words. Daily, someone called me handsome or said my beard was beautiful. Daily, I saw community cultivated. Daily, a new sense of home progressed. Daily, the world became smaller and more accessible. Daily, my mind evolved. Daily, I fell deeper in love. And because of all this, daily, I was satisfied.
The grind was always abrasive but it also increased my patience and pain tolerance and taught me how to persevere under trial. It matured me and it polished my character. It taught me how to love my neighbor and listen to my God.