Fortitude | ˈfôrdəˌt(y)o͞od |
Courage in pain or adversity
Fortitude tells my story about the grit and courage it takes to mentally BELIEVE
your way through depression, celebrating the little wins along the way.
Do you ever have those days where you just don't want to get up and face the world? You just don't want to "do" life or be responsible for anything? I went through a hard season a few years back in 2012 - 2013. I was disengaged and I was depressed. It seemed like no matter what I did, I just couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling of apathy toward... everything! It was very out of the ordinary for my extroverted personality.
But, I kept up appearances so no one knew how empty I actually felt inside. Yet, there was a war going on inside over my thought-life and I knew it. The things I thought about and how I would speak to myself in my head were spiraling me down deeper and deeper into depression. I knew I needed to anchor my thoughts to Truth but I didn't know practically how to do that or what that felt like.
“and I’d give
everything I had left
exhale my last breath to see
just a glimpse
of what my life looks like
when the truth is all I believe”
Fast forward to 2017 when I had the idea of writing a set of songs that told a story of a point in my life where I learned a virtue in the wake of my own failures OR depended on a virtue to get me through a hard season. As I looked at the meaning of "Fortitude" I knew this was a virtue I learned in that season of depression. It took soooo much mental fortitude to believe the truth about myself, about God, and my circumstances and not give in to negativity or despair, especially on days that felt like the entire world was against me.
“I wanna dig
into this jaded heart
press the restart for a change
that lasts longer than empty words
strewn across a dirty page
I wanna live to die to myself today
if it paves the way for grace
to come undress my wounded heart
let me feel the light of day”
Things began to gradually improve for me over time. I felt a major shift when I began talking about the wounds in my heart with people I trust, with a counselor, and even in my prayer life. Which, by the way, was a completely new experience for me. And a very vulnerable, exposing experience . . . like being undressed by someone you barely know. But, the vulnerability of opening myself up to others is what prepared me to receive the truth more and more in the dark, wounded corners of my heart. The “shift” I felt was actually just the changing of my beliefs from lies to truths and that’s what I mean by this song being my story of “believing” my way out of depression.
I hope this song inspires courage through whatever pain or adversity you may be going through.
Thanks for listening,
-Josh